If you are here on this page, the most important take away is this.
There. Is. A. Solution.
I also don’t believe that one size fits all, so my solution is not necessarily your solution.
In fact, there will be lots of parts that will be different
AND
I hope that you find some ideas, along with some hope by reading this.
Here is goes.
Here’s my Story so far.
How It Was:
Age 13
Things were unmanageable at home (another story) and Shape magazine was somehow procured and from there, I decided that my body needed fixing (nothing else felt fixable) so I started running. I also decided that skim milk from now on with way more vegetables, thank you very much.
High School
I am a runner. Not competitive but long slow runs almost every day. Usually between 8-17 miles with a very dedicated day off to stay “balanced”. When I switched to private school and things got very stressful, the food control deepened so that I only the same controlled meals every day. PS – thought I was fat.
COLLEGE – Bottom #1
Pre-med student, lots of friends, big hair (hey it was the beginning of the 90ties), a running obsession along with diet/binge behaviors that were starting to make my life unmanageable.
I was still me so I tried finding women who were like me to help me figure out what was wrong, studying nutrition (didn’t work) and then went to my first 12-step program, Overeaters anonymous with two other very thin friends. We were NOT welcome there as at that time, exercise bulimia wasn’t even a thing.
My 3.45 gpa (hey, science isn’t my thing) plummeting to a straight Ds by the end my Junior year along with sucidal thoughts lead me to drop out and move back home. (My parents were both devastated and completely baffled- “but you are so healthy, what happened?”)
Drop out decade
Lots of running continued and then, wait for it, ALCOHOL!! Yeah. Who cares about all that obsessed running and extra 4.5 pounds when you can DRINK?!?
Moved to Idaho.
Continued to Party. Food was a whatever especially because I added cigarettes to the mix, healthy anything wasn’t really a priority.
The gym life / Sobriety = Bottom #2
Personal Training became my new love when I turned 28. By the time I was 30, I had opened my personal training gym.
At age 34, I finally gave up the insanity of a life completely out of balance between my co-dependency with my boyfriend (later to be my husband), drugs and alcohol.
I got sober.
As I quite alcohol, I decided in all my excellent thinking that I would get “healthy” and quit sugar.
90 days into sobriety, I ate an entire box of chocolates (not a small one) and was truly broken and ready to surrender to trying to accept my body.
What happened:
The start of the long road to sanity
At that 90 day mark of sobriety and the ABSOLUTE demoralization of going from NO sugar for almost three months to an entire box (super sized) of valentines chocolates in one sitting, I committed to a full white flag surrender. I still remember how sad and broken I felt.
WHAT surrender looked like to me
It was not easy. #understatement
💥 I let go of trying to control food and started trusting. This is easy (ish) to write however at the time it was days and days and days of books, 12-step meetings (for food at this point), weekly meetings with my mentor, falling DOWN hard with binging, depression, getting back up with an new book (lots of spiritual books rather than nutrition books) or new idea or ALWAYS, a new workbook. I kept coming back to TRUST. TRUST. TRUST. And it was NOT easy.
💥 I bought all new clothes in a bigger size and GAVE AWAY all clothes that didn’t fit (Including the most darling expensive pair of black slacks- this was 2005 and I still remember them fondly).
💥 I started learning about the patterns and what I was really trying to control.
💥 I developed a practice of self-acceptance by “catching my judgement” of my body and other women’s bodies and redirected my thoughts. (This took some time and a big commitment but I kept restarting and restarting and restarting)
I did not get through this alone. I had a TON of support from other women in support groups, Somatic Experiencing Coaches and my mentor weekly.
This stage took about two years and felt like I was slowly crawling, with dirty fingernails and skinned knees, out of a deep cavernous cave of shame and darkness.
Eating psychology coaching with Marc David
I became an Eating Psychology Coach with a year long training with the Institute of Eating Psychology.
Then I repeated the year to integrate the principles for coaching and more so for my own personal freedom.
The entire time I practiced new DIFFERENT ways to eating and how I felt about eating.
The things that worked for me from Marc
ton of time resolving my truama
Somatic Experiencing Trauma Therapy changed the way I inhabited my body and that was GIGANTIC.
I love the freedom that came from addressing my trauma through supporting my body’s nervous system.
The things that worked for me from SE
The Ugliest parts
SHAMEFUL Stuff
In 12-step there is a saying that you are only as sick as your secrets. It’s hard to be honest about this however, if you have read this far, this might help you figure out if you want to try some of my solutions.
My baffling past behaviors:
I’m sure there are more, however I think that should qualify my insanity.
How it is now
FREEDOM
I do not eat perfectly. I sometimes fall down.
HOWEVER
I feel good about making healthy choices.
I feel great about eating chocolate.
I go in and out of using supplements.
I try different things if I need to shake it up and always come back to trying for macronutrient balance with a heavy amount of vegetables.
I do things to support my energy rather than my size and my size ends up just fine.
When my size doesn’t feel fine, I do not panic. I use the tools below to pivot.
my big tools
If my body obsession pokes it head up I pull up these tools:
💥 It’s a spiritual solution- I call on my Divine Squad to help me see the bigger picture.
💥 I look for what else is stressing me out- it’s usually NOTHING to do with my body size.
💥 I start eating more vegetables and invest more money in healthy food.
💥 I spend some time with my coaches who support me.
💥 I put on clothes that I love and go do something fun.
💥 I actively CHOOSE not to allow my thoughts to take over by:
💥 I connect to WHO. I. AM. it is so much bigger than the size of my jeans. I connect to my purpose which is healing so I can help other people heal.
💥 I NEVER EVER WEIGH MYSELF. Scales are evil and the feminine doesn’t want to be weighed and measured so I do not go there.
💥 I get some more rest OR I get to work and on with my life (and ask for the wisdom to know which to pick)